How do you find peace in the midst of haste?

I’ll keep this very brief and borrow some of St Francis de Sales words.  Before I share his wise words though…

Step number one is to make peace a priority.  Look at the way your day is arranged and adjust it to make   s p a c e (read time)  for yourself to reflect and connect in with yourself.  This will enable you to meet everyone else in your day from a more fresh open spaciousness.  I highly recommend doing it at the beginning of the day.

Step number two then is as soon as you notice that you are losing it or getting tense.  Have something you know works for you to center and calm yourself as needed. Breathing a few deep breaths is always a good one.  Especially if you are in a meeting, with a child etc.

I like to go outside into the sunshine (hopefully) and close my eyes for a couple of minutes, notice what I can smell and put my hand on my heart…then breathe quietly.  It literally just takes a couple of minutes.  But boy it feels good.

We live in a busy world that seems to reach out to hook us into believing that we have to race around and in racing about, it’s pretty hard;  well I’d venture impossible to really sit deeply in a sense of inner peace.  So step number three is to go slowly, or at least slower.

Here is St Francis…

Never be in a hurry,
do everything quietly
and in a calm spirit.

Do not lose your inner peace
for anything whatsoever.

Peace to you,
Linda

To accept or not to accept…

Accept whatever comes to you, woven in the pattern of your destiny. For what could more aptly fit your needs? Marcus Aurelius

This quote stimulated a reader to wonder if acceptance is a way of meeting other needs or indeed a need in itself. I’m grateful for this question.  On first take you may think – who cares?  does it really matter?  Well, it is pretty important to know the difference.

Distinguishing between strategies and needs is essential for:

• creating connection instead of arguing opinions back and forth, until someone quits or accommodates
  
• making decisions which are fulfilling and meaningful
• feeling grounded and connected to yourself.

One way to check is to ask yourself ” is this something every human being has a need for?”

Secondly it’s helpful to remember that there are shades of needs.  Or layers.  We seem to have deep core needs and then layers of other needs.  As if there is a spectrum from needs to strategies.  Strategies are how we meet our needs.

For instance walking in the bush is a way of meeting a need for connection with myself.  Going to for a holiday is not a need rather a way or strategy for meeting needs for rest, fun connection etc.

Because there is this spectrum effect.  I would say acceptance is a need  more than a strategy in my book.   Nonetheless its one that it’s worth looking under to see what other needs are met by acceptance, in case there are other deeper needs connected.  There may or may not be.

Acceptance is a pre-cursor to meeting needs for peace, healing and other important needs – that’s been both my personal experience and also what I witness with my clients.

Acceptance, by the way is very different from resignation.  I find acceptance in its essence to be very vital and free.  As opposed to resignation which has many thoughts still attached to it eg. “I have no choice”.  Thoughts like this let me know that I am not really in touch with any feelings and needs yet.

My guess is Marcus Aurelius is saying acceptance is a universal need which leads to our deeper core  needs being met.

warmly
Linda

One way to handle a partner who wants to quit

Although without use of NVC language or even the full consciousness, there
are things about this article that illustrate powerfully what one can do
with a practice such as NVC in the face of difficulties in a marriage.
http://bit.ly/l4pFi

I found this totally inspiring.  It came to me from a colleague in the USA – Miki Kashtan.

Being with grief…

Many moments of grief occur in our lives.  You might think of grief as an emotion connected to the death of a friend, family member or a pet.  Grief also occurs when a vision or dream is lost.  A friendship estranged, the picture of a family changes shape on separation or divorce, the idea held of a happy time…

Grief can carry us through to healing when we notice, accept and give it space.  I see that it is important to honour loss – big or small.  Tucked away in there  are likely to be seeds for new dreams or softer heart connections, a new inspiration or perhaps even forgiveness that will carry me forward and nearer to myself.

This week I am aware of the passing of a dear elderly member of the family.

with love and gratitude for a life well lived and loved
Linda

Opening up stuckness

Being stuck feels pretty icky and can be painful.  There is a quick key to remember:

Life flows through circles
Do you remember Simba, the  Lion King and the Circle of Life? It’s old as far as movies go but bear with me…

Next time you find you are stuck in a sticky spot in a relationship, I recommend you remember Life is a Circle.  Being stuck suggests you are only seeing one half of the circle.

Get the other person’s perspective and most importantly understand what it is that matters to them.    In other words get the FULL circle – your side and all of theirs.  Forget whether you agree with them or they agree with you.  Try being a curious scientist.  This can get you to first base.

I get involved in mediating or supporting when the other person’s half or our own is too scary or hot to feel safe to do this with each other.

Remember Life is a Circle and flows around and around in a wholesome healing way when we let it complete the cycle or circle.  It’s when we hold on to half the circle, that we suffer.

Explore here if you know you have something you need to complete with!

Best to your heart

Linda

Noticing the angle of your dangle

Have you noticed how in a conversation you can be metaphorically leaning forward toward the other person?  Maybe  over-keen to help? to be heard…almost reaching out (no arms involved).  Or perhaps the opposite there are some people you can feel your inner-being drawing back away from.  Do you leave the room, table or drift off and think about other things if they are around?

I find it fascinating (ok I’m like that about relationships stuff!) and VERY useful to notice whether my inner-being is reaching out, clinging or grabbing to the other, the opposite or my preference….straight up and down.

Some people or situations may trigger one or the other.  The other week I went for the fourth time into my son’s room and asked him about something minor.  That was definitely me clinging, trying to sneak closer! and bless him he said “Er Mum, this is the hundredth time you’ve come down here”  I paused and thought “Oh yes, thanks.  I’m missing getting to be with you” .   His response? ” Ooookay, only I really need to study now.  So could we do that later?”

We agreed to actually do something together.  Nice.  We were both being straight up and down. I find honesty and openness at least with oneself but preferrably the other as well, leads to being straight up and down and that usually feels AMAZING.

This make sense to anyone else?!

Love and smiles

Linda

Step families that work

Hi

I’ve just come home from a seminar about Making Step Families work.  I’m struck by how much we human beings find comfort and a sense of place through having a label.  In a family ‘mother’ or ‘father’ are given particularly hefty currency.

I remember longing to ‘lose’ my label of mother a number of years ago.  That role seemed so overwhelming and heavy.  Tonight I saw people learning to live with no label.  Who am I if I’m not ‘the mother’?  Oh my contribution is to be me – and that will be what I bring to the family.

When we are simply ourselves then instead of standing for a role -

• we stand for the things we stand for…love, wellbeing, understanding, responsibility,  respect…
• we are freed of being defined by what we do eg. mother, father, son… which can carry so many layers of what you should/n’t do.
• our unique self is in the foreground of our life not behind a label

Aaah.  Doesn’t that sound inviting?  I’m a “Linda”.  A Linda who is mothering, partnering, lovering, daughtering, mediating…

I think I even saw family re-defining itself as not being determined by blood, rather by mutual cooperation, care and even love.

Could it be another expression of our universal family emerging….

Are you in a blended family?  What have you learned about what makes step families work? I’d love to hear.

Love Linda

Thank you!!

This is like a party – I am loving the enthusiasm and support of the feedback I have had both here and privately by email. Thank you : )

We are working on a link for those wishing to follow my blog.  Then you wont  need to keep checking back to see if I have been awake and blogging! More on this soon.

Meantime I hope you will be active in sharing questions and your own experiences so we have a growing community here.

Life is relationship and relationship is life …watch the unceasing interactions of nature and people, seen and unseen. Magic!

Today, home is cosy on a wet winter’s day!
Linda

Love arrives through you and me.

Short and sweet:

I wrote this down before breakfast this morning…

It is my relationship with myself that is reflected back to me through my relationships with others.

We can’t expect a life full of love if we have a list of things for which we crticise and blame ourself.  That becomes a mandate to blame and criticise others…

Bottom line is so simple ~ to love, nurture and respect oneself more and more and by and by, totally and utterly.  And to let this naturally overflow into our relationships.   To me this is each of our responsibility and service to  humanity.  Easier said than done?

Come on – I bet you can name five things that you love about yourself.  Can you get to 20? My friend Les Dyer challenged me to list 75!  I had a day to do it – :+)

Have a go??

L xo

Creating….crankiness!?

It’s my intention to share with you some of my personal journey and learning. I also hope to hear some comments and experiences from you!

Last week I seemed to have a week of niggles.  “What the heck is going on?!” I wondered.  Then I realised straight away that I was making comparisons. My insight was:

Comparing me with you or you with him/her or comparing now with another time or place ~ is a sure fire way to invite a cranky response. It separates us and leaches the honesty and aliveness from this moment. It’s really a way of expressing oneself, without being vulnerable.

Not very successful though – unless you want to start an argument! :+).  In which case try making a comparison either in your head or out loud!